


Halloween Throwdown

by SelanPike



Category: MS Paint Adventures, Problem Sleuth (Webcomic)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-30
Updated: 2011-11-30
Packaged: 2017-10-26 17:15:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/285859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SelanPike/pseuds/SelanPike
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You are Problem Sleuth and you’ve got your hands on a pumpkin. You are also really annoyed with Slick.</p><p>You’re trying to think of a really good pose, because shit is about to get so real you don’t even know what to do with yourself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Halloween Throwdown

You are Problem Sleuth and you’ve got your hands on a pumpkin.

            You are also really annoyed with Slick. He has this way, sometimes, of taking all of his frustrations out on you. Well, he takes his frustrations out on everyone, really, which usually leads to people getting annoyed with him, which usually pisses him off more, which just causes this endless fucking cycle that’s really got you at the end of your rope. So you called him out on it, and one thing led to another and now you and the rest of Team Sleuth are headed over to have an old-fashioned brawl with the Midnight Crew.

            Just like old times, actually. But you aren’t worried, no, because it’s Halloween and you’ve got a pumpkin.

            You’re trying to think of a really good pose, because shit is about to get so real you don’t even know what to do with yourself.

            Slick’s got this cocky fucking look on his face when you get there, like he really thinks he’s going to put you in your place. He’s holding that horse hitcher of his across his shoulder and he says he’ll go easy on you if you just apologize for being such a crybaby.

            “Fuck you,” you say. Diplomacy at its finest.

            Slick snarls. Droog magnanimously offers you time to pose as a team, since he knows you like to do that. Actually it seems less magnanimous and more mocking. Not that it matters, since you and your team take that time to carve your patterns onto the pumpkin. The Midnight Crew look downright baffled when you activate your Gambit Schema. Baffled with fear, you assume.

            You become the fearsome **CANDY CORN VAMPIRE.**

Pickle Inspector becomes the mighty **TOOTSIE ROLL FRANKENSTEIN.**

Ace Dick becomes the unstoppable **GUMMY WORM ZOMBIE.**

            … Ace Dick looks just pathetic like this. You remember that the last time you did this, it was actually Zombie Ace Dick who activated the Schema, and he was a lot more suited to being a zombie than regular Ace Dick is. Oh well, as long as he’s got the same stats you really don’t care that he looks like an idiot.

            Slick seems to think this is a joke because he won’t stop laughing. You put a stop to that before he even realizes you’re in front of him.

            It’s a full-on brawl in seconds flat. You’re really not having too much trouble dealing with Slick, since your immense VAMPIRE FASTNESS makes dodging his horse hitcher a cakewalk. Dick’s dealing with Boxcars. He’s getting punched around a bit, but his defense stat is so absurd that he doesn’t even flinch. Deuce is throwing some hits in too, but that hardly matters. Droog is watching as Inspector slowly tries to give chase to him. He stays an arms length away from the Inspector.

            “This is adorable,” Droog says. “I almost don’t want to beat your face in.”

            Of course, almost isn’t really good enough when you’re talking about Diamonds Droog. You wonder if Droog would really hurt Inspector, seeing as how the two seem to be pretty sweet on each other, but Droog makes the mistake of stepping into Inspector’s reach as he pulls his cuestick back for an attack. Inspector manages just a small tap on Droog’s face, but with his FRANKENSTEIN STRONGNESS it sends Droog flying.

            The fight goes on until your pumpkin rots away and what are you even talking about, there was never a pumpkin and there never was. After that point the fight turns decisively in the Crew’s favor, but by then they’re so exhausted that they go easy on you.

            In the end you just wanted to help Slick work out that aggression he’d been building up. Getting a chance to take out your own aggression was just icing on the cake, really. Icing made more appealing since Slick’s been especially insufferable lately and you really, really wanted to punch him in the face a few times. You’re irked that he felt the need to bring the rest of the Crew into the fray, thus forcing you to bring your own friends, but what’s Halloween without a little costumed violence?

            You and Slick sit on the sidewalk after you’re done, both of you bruised and bloody and laughing. Droog and Inspector sit nearby as Inspector dabs a handkerchief at Droog’s split lip, mumbling apologies. He keeps saying how he only meant to tap him, he really didn’t expect to hit him that hard, and so on. Behind you, Dick and Boxcars are still duking it out, with a tuckered-out Deuce cheering Boxcars on. You reach into your coat pocket and produce a flask. Slick snatches it from your hands and chugs it down, handing it back to you empty. He makes some joke about how shitty your Halloween costumes were. You light up a cigarette and remind him that your shitty costumes kicked his Crew’s ass.

            “Too bad your badassery only lasts like ten minutes,” Slick scoffs.

            “You’re just lucky I didn’t have any elf tears handy,” you say, “I’m pretty fearsome when I wield Death’s scythe.”

            Pickle Inspector speaks up. “I—I don’t think he would lend it to you again. Not… not after what you did last time…”

            Slick starts making guesses as to what it was you did last time. Most of them are inappropriate. Pickle Inspector looks uncomfortable. He decides to ignore Slick as politely as possible and returns his attention to Droog. He apologizes again for hurting Droog.

            “I suppose you’ll have to make it up to me,” Droog says.

            “Y-yes! Yes. Of course. If there’s anything you want me to—”

            “I think you can imagine what I have in mind,” Droog says as he gives Inspector a look.

            Inspector’s face turns a deep shade of red. He stutters out an incoherent response. Slick sticks his tongue out and makes a retching sound.

            “Dammit, Droog! No one wants to hear about your awkward sex with the world’s tallest skeleton!”

            You try to resist responding similarly. The thought of Pickle Inspector naked is the sort of thing that makes you want to never use your Imagination again. Maybe you can just trade all those points for Vim. Dick seems to do all right with that stat distribution.

            Inspector tries to stutter out a rebuttal, but thankfully that’s when Dick, Boxcars and Deuce walk over. Dick and Boxcars are both out of breath and look pretty beat up. You idly ask which one of them won. The two of them open their mouths to speak, but Deuce interrupts them and proclaims, “Boxcars did!”

            “No he didn’t!” Dick argues, “I did!”

            “The hell you did!” Boxcars responds.

            The two resume their brawl while Deuce tells Boxcars to hurry up, he’s tired and wants to go home. You realize they’re probably going to be at each other’s throats all night. Droog stands up and straightens out his suit.

            “Come along, Inspector,” he says. “We have much to do.”

            They take each others’ hands and walk off while Slick makes over-exaggerated barfing noises. Once they’re gone Slick grumbles a bit.

            “Maybe we oughtta have a drink,” you suggest, still a little parched since Slick stole all your booze.

            “Yeah,” Slick says. He stands and pulls you up by your tie. “C’mon, Dracula. I think I’ve got a bottle of that candy corn shit you like so much somewhere.”

            “I’m not Dracula, I’m a Candy Corn Vampire,” you protest as he drags you down the street.

            “Don’t give a shit,” he says. “Let’s go drink ‘til we forget about Droog and Inspector fucking.”

            “And until you forget about the beating I gave you?” You smirk.

            He knees you in the stomach. “How about you try and forget that one.”

            You double over and laugh. He’s still as insufferable as ever. There are some things a punch in the face won’t fix.


End file.
